"Be a Star, and fall down somewhere next to me"

Yesterday was another sort of tough day. Most of the time here is spent by scolding myself for being so miserable in a beautiful place. But I think that in my experience, being in beautiful places is worth so much less when it's not being shared with a friend or a loved one......whether that friend be met while traveling or not. Here's what I've been mulling over:

1) Living where you work sucks. You know how they say "Don't shit where you eat"? yeah it's like that. Showing any sort of disregard for your job is out of the question, because YOU LIVE WITH YOUR BOSS"S! Not to mention there are about 4 people around to order you around so you hear the same request in broken English/ French at LEAST 4 times. So there's no outlet, no escape, you're on call 24/7 for people that are blind to things having to do with a cultural barrier. At least when I was a camp counselor I had other counselors to complain and relate to.

2) I shouldn't be paid by the hour. I found out recently that this is the first year that they've done this, hired a student to do their dirty work, and it shows. If you're going to have some one come and stay with you and do work you should NOT pay them by the hour. Because, when does the work hour start? Did that hour and a half i spent with a broken tractor count as work? It sure seemed like it to me, so I wrote it down. The problem is, when does the work hour begin? When i step outside of the Chateau? or as soon as I get on the Tractor or open the gate to the pool? Normally a persons work hour would start as soon as the person walked into the door of the building. In a situation like this, it is better to pay the person by the week and set up a strict and finite set of expectations. My day doesn't end until the Suaves go to sleep...

3)I feel sick to my stomach with how confused I am most of the time. I feel guilty for not knowing more French, for not having the brain capacity to learn it quickly. For not having the confidence to just SPEAK it in stead of shying away from it because I'm afraid I'll mess up. I never know exactly what I'm supposed to do. Like right now there are tons of kids showing up....WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY COMING FROM AND WHY ARE THEY HERE?! and they're French so who knows...

4)I'm supposed to entertain some kids for an hour every night this week and I don't have the energy to do that today, or the desire. I mostly just want to catch the first flight home to Cleveland.

Other than that things are ok. I went for a Jog this afternoon and saw a bit more of the country side that I hadn't seen. There seems to be a cave of some kind a little ways down the road, but it's gated off so I can't explore too much. I was going to Bike into Jarze today to take some photos, but it was overcast all day so i decided against it. I want the photos to be a bit more picturesque.

I wish I could say that I'm enjoying every minute of this beautiful place, and I am enjoying it, just not in this "OMG this is AMAZING" sort of way that everyone expects of me. But I think that this is a good experience to go through at this time in my life, it's teaching me a lot about myself and about pushing through and doing my best in the given circumstance's. Plus, I mean, I'm making money in a place where it's almost impossible to spend it, un like Chicago where as soon as I'd get lonely or sad I'd head on over to Wicker Park or Lincoln Square.

My Dad asked me at least twice before I left if i still wanted to do this, he said that it wouldn't be a problem for him to transfer back the miles for the plane ticket, I suppose because I did a good deal of stressed out crying before I left. Now I'm worried that I should have taken him up on it, like he knew something I didn't, that this was going to be more difficult that I thought it would be. But i didn't want to abandon these people days before I was supposed to arrive. I didn't want to give up what might be (and probably is) a once in a life time experience. I didn't want to stay home and start the whole "find a damn career" process. I didn't want to let everyone know that I had Chickened out. It was better to just go and get this thing over with and try to make the best of it....I'm just not excited to go home and tell everyone that asks, that I didn't have "The time of my life".

But I'm breathing, I'm reading, I'm listening to music, and writing. I'll figure this out and I'll learn a lot from it. So God Bless.

Love y'all.